Mark Steyn

July 9, 2006

BY MARK STEYN SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Very old Hollywood joke: Starving beggar with tin cup: ''I haven't eaten for
three days.''

Zsa Zsa Gabor: ''Dahlink, I wish I had your will power.''

Up-to-the-minute Hollywood joke, from Agence-France Presse:

''U.S. Stars Align In Anti-Iraq War Hunger Strike.

''Star Hollywood actor-activists including Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon and
anti-war campaigners led by bereaved mother Cindy Sheehan plan to launch a
hunger strike, demanding the immediate return of U.S. troops from Iraq.

''As Americans get set to fire up barbecues in patriotic celebration of U.S.
Independence Day on July 4, anti-war protesters planned to savor a last meal
outside the White House, before embarking on a 'Troops Home Fast' at
midnight . . .

''Penn, Sarandon, novelist Alice Walker and actor Danny Glover will join a
'rolling' fast, a relay in which 2,700 activists pledge to refuse food for
at least 24 hours, and then hand over to a comrade.''

So Sean Penn is starving himself to death, but just for a day? Brilliant! If
Gandhi had been that smart, he'd still have a movie career. Willie Nelson
and Michael Moore are also among those participating in the ''rolling
fast,'' which in Michael's case will involve going without the roll. Greater
love hath no man than to lay down his lunch for his friends.

"We have been continually sheltered from the actual cost of war from the
beginning," says human rights activist Meredith Dearborn. "Now it is time to
bring the pain and suffering of war home. We are putting our bodies on the
line for peace." And nothing brings home the pain and suffering of war like
a Hollywood celebrity forgoing the soup du jour. All over the country,
horrified Americans will be staring at Susan Sarandon and going, "Darling,
you look fabulous! Did you lose five pounds?" Already, fans are said to be
shocked at discovering Billy Crystal lunching at Spago with a whimpering,
moaning Meg Ryan: "Aaaaooouuueurrrrggh, no, oh, no, oh,
aaaeauugheepheuneugaaaoooo, no, no!"

''When Harry Met Sally 2?''

''No, she skipped the second endive.''

At adjoining tables, other celebrities rushed to show their support for the
anti-war movement: ''I'll not have what she's not having." Winona Ryder is
telling waiters, ''Hold the haunch of venison.'' Keira Knightley is saying,
''Hey, I'll just go with the short stack this morning. And the low-fat
simulated-maple syrup substitute.'' Ice T has given up iced tea. Disgusted
by the callousness of the Bush war machine, William Powell and Myrna Loy
have decided to go without the olive in their fourth martini. Willie Nelson
is said to be gaunt and sounding croaky. Michael Moore, hovering dangerously
at 300 pounds, has told friends, ''You can never be too rich but you can be
too thin.'' Molly Ringwald's press agent has announced his client is
starving for publicity. Tom Cruise was reported as looking physically
shrunken, but then put his elevator shoes back on. Demonstrating yet again
his strong personal commitment to political activism, George Clooney has
delegated his rolling fast to his stunt double for insurance reasons. Yoko
Ono has released a new all-star charity single of ''Give Peas A Chance.'' In
the forthcoming Bond movie, 007 is tossed into a tank of ravenous sharks,
but they refuse to eat him and, in a savage indictment of Bush foreign
policy, sip their mineral water in a desultory fashion for 20 minutes before
calling for the check. America's greatest living war hero and simultaneous
anti-war hero, John Kerry, pledged his own passionate support for the
crusade of his celebrity friends: ''I ordered the banana cream pie before I
sent it back.''

Personally, if celebrities have to ''put their bodies on the line for
peace,'' I'd much rather see them bulk up. How about if Cameron Diaz and
Gwyneth Paltrow promise to put on 20 pounds for every month Bush refuses to
end his illegal war? Absent that, it's hard to see what a ''rolling fast''
does except confirm the vague suspicion one or two Americans may harbor that
politically active celebrities are a lot of vain dilettantes unwilling to
discombobulate their pampered lifestyles. It's unclear whether any of these
celebrities will be ''starving'' long enough even to feel hungry. Bobby
Sands and the IRA hunger strikers of the 1980s were never going to force
Mrs. Thatcher to back down, but at least they did actually starve themselves
to death.

How about if the celebs did that? Wouldn't that, after all, get right to the
heart of the matter? Wouldn't that bring piercing clarity to the issue by
forcing the American people to choose between tedious geopolitical
responsibilities and Jennifer Aniston? Imagine if the flailing neocon
warmongers had to explain to the American people why we were now down to one
Dixie Chick. Bush would be cowering in the Oval Office while his
spinmeisters attempted futile damage control on one horror story after
another:

*Superman tanked at the box office after audiences recoiled in horror when
Brandon Routh's distended belly fell out of his saggy tights in mid-flight.

*Shooting was halted today on ''Basic Instinct 3'' when an emaciated Sharon
Stone proved too weak to cross her legs.

*The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences warned that, with three out
of five Best Actor nominees dead of starvation, they may be forced to give
the Oscar to Steven Seagal.

*In a first for the music industry, two feuding gangsta rappers died this
morning before they could shoot each other. 2Frail 2Fire was felled by a
massive heart attack as he attempted to lift his LadySmith 60LS. Ol'
Cadaverous Bastard expired from malnutrition a few seconds later while
enjoying a derogatory gloat about the ever bonier butts of 2Frail 2Fire's
hos and bitches.

*Meanwhile, Brad Pitt said filming would go ahead as planned on ''Ocean's
Three.'' Er, ''Ocean's Two.''

The problem for the ''activists'' is that the entire anti-war movement is
undernourished. Indeed, in all their contempt for America as an effete
narcissistic ninny too soft and self-absorbed to stand any pain, even
al-Qaida couldn't have come up with as withering a parody of the Great
Satan's decadence as a celebrity pseudo-fast. As the great Shakespearean
actor Edmund Kean said on his deathbed: ''Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.''
Not for Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon.